So, if this life wasn't something i had imagined living, you might be wondering how did my Master introduce the idea to me and what was my original reaction?
Master began by talking to me about Biblical submission (i am a Christian), how wives are supposed to submit to their husbands and what that means to Him and to me. i agreed with Him that wives should submit to husbands and He carried the conversation further by suggesting i look into Christian husbands who spank their wives. The conversation was very natural and fluid and certainly didn't happen all at once. Some of the conversation was in emails and some was on the phone and He was never pushy.
It was 3 days into Our conversation when i knew the basic idea of the relationship Master wanted and He told me i needed to decide if it was something i was willing to try or not.
i completely freaked out! How did He know i had been curious about the ideas of BDSM but never told anyone? How could i want someone to hurt me physically but keep me safe emotionally? How could these thoughts i've had in my head for YEARS but never spoke be okay? i wanted to try, really wanted to, but this didn't fit the thought process i had when i started online dating. i couldn't decide if it was okay as a Christian, i was scared of the change and not being good at it, not actually liking it... so many fears.
So much was unknown as well. i had read books but nothing more than being tied up, but never actually explored the ideas any further.
i am embarrassed to tell you some of the things i thought, but i started this blog to be honest and open so others searching about this life would see maybe they aren't the only ones thinking or feeling something... so, i thought Master didn't want a relationship but that He just wanted a "robot" that would obey Him, i thought all He would ever want to do is hurt me sexually (and i had no idea what all that could look like). Everything was unknown except some of the crazy things that are out there since the 50 Shades stuff came out. i thought Master wouldn't want to spend time with me dating me or getting to know me. i thought who i was didn't really matter so much as whether or not i could obey Him. But i also though i might really enjoy being hurt, that i would love someone to tell me what to do and for them to be in charge, that obeying and making Him happy might just be what i like to do.
i was curious, i wanted to know more, but i was terrified. One of my biggest fears in life is change, and with my divorce only about a year before meeting Master, i didn't want anymore change, or so i thought :).
So, instead of talking to Master about these things, i send Him a short email about 2 hours after He said i should decide, and told Him very bluntly that i was not interested and to have a nice life.
When Master replied the next day, He asked if i'd like to talk about it. He could sense that i was afraid of the unknown and gave me the opportunity to discuss it instead of running away. Since He was so nice and i really did like Him, i agreed to discuss it. Master spent basically an entire day emailing back and forth about my list of 15 things i had issues with. i won't bore you all with the list but He went item by item and discussed in detail each thing. This alone made me more interested in Him, no one had ever taken the time to discuss something in such detail with me. Master was so patient and explained so many things to me.
i am often reminded of that email conversation and how thankful i am that Master wanted to see if i was just scared and talk it out with me. i would not be nearly as happy and feel so much like "me" if He hadn't taken this time with me.
This whole conversation took place only 3 days before Our first date and only about 24 hours before i was sending Him nude pictures... but that is a story for another day :).
~His kitten
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