Today i'm feeling... not ready.... as my move to live with Master full time approaches and the reality hits me more and more,i wonder if i can do this.. if it's where i belong.
i realize how much i no longer feel like i fit in this world. i struggle with this because it's necessary to stay here, to be here, to live here in this world.
Not my world with Master but this world without Him.
i miss Him, i long to sit at His feet, to serve Him, to drink from Him.
This world without Him around, is hard for me. i feel lost in it. i feel so much more.... me... when i'm with Him, serving Him and the closer that gets, the harder it is to happily live here and now.
i know this world will always be here, that i'll always have to deal with it. But, when i could be in His world every weekend, it made the weekdays in this world much easier to deal with. i can only hope and assume that, when i live in His world, serving Him, that the hours spent outside it will be easier to deal with.
i know i am a slave, i am His slave, in my core and i have no desire to live outside of that feeling.
The world without Him is cruel, scary, cold... with Him it's like everything comes to life. He protects me, He handles the mean and cruel and helps me handle it too.
i love Him so, i adore Him more and i long to serve Him fully.
~His kitten
Monday, June 20, 2016
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
shocking revelation
Yesterday was the anniversary of the first day Master spoke to me online. We had a wonderful day that began with Master flogging and fucking my ass. i thought i could never have anal sex after previous experiences and Master has taken the time and patience necessary to help me work through it all. Now i not only can have anal sex, i can actually enjoy it and come from it.
Yesterday evening, Master was fingering me and it was wonderful! He was allowing me to come and they were amazing orgasms. i was wanting something different though, so after MANY orgasms, i got into my asking position and asked Master for something else. This was difficult for me to ask Him, to admit to myself and to Him that i actually wanted it. i asked Master to finger my ass and my clit for full body orgasms. Anal orgasms are completely different and delicious for me. They rock my entire body and i had been craving that since anal sex in the morning. Master was also surprised that i asked for it but pleased that i admitted i am an anal slut.
He gave me multiple anal orgasms and it was a delightful end to a wonderful anniversary day. :)
~His kitten
Yesterday evening, Master was fingering me and it was wonderful! He was allowing me to come and they were amazing orgasms. i was wanting something different though, so after MANY orgasms, i got into my asking position and asked Master for something else. This was difficult for me to ask Him, to admit to myself and to Him that i actually wanted it. i asked Master to finger my ass and my clit for full body orgasms. Anal orgasms are completely different and delicious for me. They rock my entire body and i had been craving that since anal sex in the morning. Master was also surprised that i asked for it but pleased that i admitted i am an anal slut.
He gave me multiple anal orgasms and it was a delightful end to a wonderful anniversary day. :)
~His kitten
Thursday, May 26, 2016
one year anniversary
This weekend marks Our one year
anniversary and last night We exchanged gifts and went out to a wonderful dinner. i had no idea what Master got me but when i opened it i absolutely love it!!! i have wanted to try a flogger for a while and this one is absolutely beautiful. It matches the cane Master has with blue and black on the handle. Master gave me a little intro. auth the flogger on my back, butt, thighs and breasts. It was amazing! i thought Our visit this week was going to be very vanilla because the toys haven't been moved here yet but this was a very welcome surprise to go with my amazing gift.
Our dinner was amazing too, at a great little place that i can't remember the name lol. i had lamb lollies for the first time ever and they were great.
i have Master a very vanilla gift, whiskey stones and a low ball glass that has Our names and anniversary date on it. He really likes it :).
~His kitten
Our dinner was amazing too, at a great little place that i can't remember the name lol. i had lamb lollies for the first time ever and they were great.
i have Master a very vanilla gift, whiskey stones and a low ball glass that has Our names and anniversary date on it. He really likes it :).
~His kitten
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
emotions...
Master is house hunting in His new state and i am continuing to work on my weight lots and waiting to join Him.
This past week, Master sent me a picture of a poster for amateur night at a local strip club. This is something i know Master wants me to do at some future point when i've finished my weight loss journey so that didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was the conversation after and the emotions that popped up. i was sexually abused as a young child (5-7 yard old ) and sometimes things come up and are very emotional and i'm not expecting it.
Master showed me that picture and started telling me what to imagine that night being like, with Him there but not up front and all the men looking at me. That's when the emotions hit me. i didn't cry or anything but i certainly felt them, so i told Master. We talked and realized it came down to memories from my abuse as a child and Master told me i should cry or scream or whatever i felt like doing to feel those emotions. Unfortunately i didn't feel a way to let them out at that time. Master said We could work on it when i grey to visit Him soon.
Fast forward 4 days and Master and i are chatting online and looking at houses i've found that i think He may like. Master had me serve Him during this time by holding various poses while He looked over a houses pictures. One particular pose i knew would be hard but i got into it and was holding it to the best of my ability when i started to cry small, cute tears. We call those "His tears" because Master likes tears that are from serving Him. But suddenly the tears switched and were no longer small and cute.... they were HUGE, sobbing tears with all kinds of emotions from Our Sunday discussion. i held my position and sent Master a message to tell Him. He said i could move and i collapsed onto the floor and grabbed a blanket. i lay on my floor, completely covered by my blanket and sobbing for 15 minutes or so.
Afterward, Master did the best aftercare available to Us, He video called and i got to see His face and chat.
Do emotions like this ever hit anyone else like this?
Master said He needs to remember He can push me that hard over the phone, i don't like to be emotional but the thought of getting to serve Him a bit harder during this time is very appealing!!
i would love to hear from you amazing readers, please feel free to leave me a message!
Have a wonderful day:)
This past week, Master sent me a picture of a poster for amateur night at a local strip club. This is something i know Master wants me to do at some future point when i've finished my weight loss journey so that didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was the conversation after and the emotions that popped up. i was sexually abused as a young child (5-7 yard old ) and sometimes things come up and are very emotional and i'm not expecting it.
Master showed me that picture and started telling me what to imagine that night being like, with Him there but not up front and all the men looking at me. That's when the emotions hit me. i didn't cry or anything but i certainly felt them, so i told Master. We talked and realized it came down to memories from my abuse as a child and Master told me i should cry or scream or whatever i felt like doing to feel those emotions. Unfortunately i didn't feel a way to let them out at that time. Master said We could work on it when i grey to visit Him soon.
Fast forward 4 days and Master and i are chatting online and looking at houses i've found that i think He may like. Master had me serve Him during this time by holding various poses while He looked over a houses pictures. One particular pose i knew would be hard but i got into it and was holding it to the best of my ability when i started to cry small, cute tears. We call those "His tears" because Master likes tears that are from serving Him. But suddenly the tears switched and were no longer small and cute.... they were HUGE, sobbing tears with all kinds of emotions from Our Sunday discussion. i held my position and sent Master a message to tell Him. He said i could move and i collapsed onto the floor and grabbed a blanket. i lay on my floor, completely covered by my blanket and sobbing for 15 minutes or so.
Afterward, Master did the best aftercare available to Us, He video called and i got to see His face and chat.
Do emotions like this ever hit anyone else like this?
Master said He needs to remember He can push me that hard over the phone, i don't like to be emotional but the thought of getting to serve Him a bit harder during this time is very appealing!!
i would love to hear from you amazing readers, please feel free to leave me a message!
Have a wonderful day:)
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
missing Him
Last week was very hard for me, this adjustment to not seeing Master on the weekends was not going well. This week however, i feel like i'm more settled in the routine. Not that i'm not missing Him terribly because i am, but i'm learning to be content with emails and phone calls.
What i'm missing most is feeling like myself. i don't feel like me when i'm not with Master. i have to pretend to be someone i'm not, not submissive, not His slave, not into all of "this". The weekends were my time to be me and now that isn't happening regularly. Does anyone else feel this way or am i strange?
i miss sitting at His feet, i miss the hose and cane ( not the nipple clamps though lol), i miss making His lunches for the week and doing His laundry... i miss directly serving Him.
Thankfully, i do have ways to serve Him indirectly. Things that i know i do for Him, things that will benefit Him and that helps tremendously.
It also is hard because i can't orgasm without His permission... so i am a horny mess lol.
But, i get to see Him in a few weeks and that countdown is also helping.
Hope everyone is having a good week! Happy hump day:)
~His kitten
What i'm missing most is feeling like myself. i don't feel like me when i'm not with Master. i have to pretend to be someone i'm not, not submissive, not His slave, not into all of "this". The weekends were my time to be me and now that isn't happening regularly. Does anyone else feel this way or am i strange?
i miss sitting at His feet, i miss the hose and cane ( not the nipple clamps though lol), i miss making His lunches for the week and doing His laundry... i miss directly serving Him.
Thankfully, i do have ways to serve Him indirectly. Things that i know i do for Him, things that will benefit Him and that helps tremendously.
It also is hard because i can't orgasm without His permission... so i am a horny mess lol.
But, i get to see Him in a few weeks and that countdown is also helping.
Hope everyone is having a good week! Happy hump day:)
~His kitten
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
a new phase
Master and i have entered a new phase in Our relationship. He has always been a few hours away but close enough to see every weekend, i mean EVERY weekend for the past10 months... We may have missed 2 weekends.
Now, He is a 15 hour drive away from me. We are truly long distance now.
Last weekend was the first apart and it wasn't easy. i didn't hear from Him at all for a few days because of Him needing to get everything set up in His new place. i was worried He decided to just drop me and be done, that He moved and didn't want me anymore... i tend to do this "catastrophic thinking" and it frustrates me and Master. i try to avoid it and fight it off but so it wins sometimes. i can't do this every weekend!! i need to focus on serving Him to the best of my ability from afar until i can join Him in a few months.
my main ways to serve Him daily are to follow my eating plan (i just started a very strict one the week before He left) and to workout.i can't remember if i have out this on here but, i have lost almost 90 pounds in the Last 18 months, with almost 60 of that since i met Master. So, following my plan and working out is something i do to become my best for Him and it is a very tangible way for me to serve Him, which helps me a lot.
i also have my mantra to say daily and some daily reporting in to Him that i do regardless of whether i've heard from Him.
i have severe abandonment issues and so Master being so far away is triggering some of that and i'm going to have to learn to know that i am wanted by Him, special to Him, even when i'm not right there with Him.
This is only a phase in Our relationship and it'll be fine but it won't be fun or easy.
i don't know when i'll see Him again, He needs to get His new job going before We can make plans.
We have always head a journal that i write in and take to His house for Him to read if He chooses too. Now that journal is online and i like being able to write anytime i need to without people really knowing what i'm doing but now i don't know if He's reading it.... i like to know He's reading it. i guess it's a way i can see that He's interested in me and my thoughts and feelings. We don't generally discuss what i journal but it's a way for me to communicate even when i don't necessarily intend to.
So, that's Our new phase, me learning not to freak out and Master living in a new state, starting a new job.
Hope things are good with all of you!!
~His kitten
Now, He is a 15 hour drive away from me. We are truly long distance now.
Last weekend was the first apart and it wasn't easy. i didn't hear from Him at all for a few days because of Him needing to get everything set up in His new place. i was worried He decided to just drop me and be done, that He moved and didn't want me anymore... i tend to do this "catastrophic thinking" and it frustrates me and Master. i try to avoid it and fight it off but so it wins sometimes. i can't do this every weekend!! i need to focus on serving Him to the best of my ability from afar until i can join Him in a few months.
my main ways to serve Him daily are to follow my eating plan (i just started a very strict one the week before He left) and to workout.i can't remember if i have out this on here but, i have lost almost 90 pounds in the Last 18 months, with almost 60 of that since i met Master. So, following my plan and working out is something i do to become my best for Him and it is a very tangible way for me to serve Him, which helps me a lot.
i also have my mantra to say daily and some daily reporting in to Him that i do regardless of whether i've heard from Him.
i have severe abandonment issues and so Master being so far away is triggering some of that and i'm going to have to learn to know that i am wanted by Him, special to Him, even when i'm not right there with Him.
This is only a phase in Our relationship and it'll be fine but it won't be fun or easy.
i don't know when i'll see Him again, He needs to get His new job going before We can make plans.
We have always head a journal that i write in and take to His house for Him to read if He chooses too. Now that journal is online and i like being able to write anytime i need to without people really knowing what i'm doing but now i don't know if He's reading it.... i like to know He's reading it. i guess it's a way i can see that He's interested in me and my thoughts and feelings. We don't generally discuss what i journal but it's a way for me to communicate even when i don't necessarily intend to.
So, that's Our new phase, me learning not to freak out and Master living in a new state, starting a new job.
Hope things are good with all of you!!
~His kitten
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