Last week was very hard for me, this adjustment to not seeing Master on the weekends was not going well. This week however, i feel like i'm more settled in the routine. Not that i'm not missing Him terribly because i am, but i'm learning to be content with emails and phone calls.
What i'm missing most is feeling like myself. i don't feel like me when i'm not with Master. i have to pretend to be someone i'm not, not submissive, not His slave, not into all of "this". The weekends were my time to be me and now that isn't happening regularly. Does anyone else feel this way or am i strange?
i miss sitting at His feet, i miss the hose and cane ( not the nipple clamps though lol), i miss making His lunches for the week and doing His laundry... i miss directly serving Him.
Thankfully, i do have ways to serve Him indirectly. Things that i know i do for Him, things that will benefit Him and that helps tremendously.
It also is hard because i can't orgasm without His permission... so i am a horny mess lol.
But, i get to see Him in a few weeks and that countdown is also helping.
Hope everyone is having a good week! Happy hump day:)
~His kitten
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
a new phase
Master and i have entered a new phase in Our relationship. He has always been a few hours away but close enough to see every weekend, i mean EVERY weekend for the past10 months... We may have missed 2 weekends.
Now, He is a 15 hour drive away from me. We are truly long distance now.
Last weekend was the first apart and it wasn't easy. i didn't hear from Him at all for a few days because of Him needing to get everything set up in His new place. i was worried He decided to just drop me and be done, that He moved and didn't want me anymore... i tend to do this "catastrophic thinking" and it frustrates me and Master. i try to avoid it and fight it off but so it wins sometimes. i can't do this every weekend!! i need to focus on serving Him to the best of my ability from afar until i can join Him in a few months.
my main ways to serve Him daily are to follow my eating plan (i just started a very strict one the week before He left) and to workout.i can't remember if i have out this on here but, i have lost almost 90 pounds in the Last 18 months, with almost 60 of that since i met Master. So, following my plan and working out is something i do to become my best for Him and it is a very tangible way for me to serve Him, which helps me a lot.
i also have my mantra to say daily and some daily reporting in to Him that i do regardless of whether i've heard from Him.
i have severe abandonment issues and so Master being so far away is triggering some of that and i'm going to have to learn to know that i am wanted by Him, special to Him, even when i'm not right there with Him.
This is only a phase in Our relationship and it'll be fine but it won't be fun or easy.
i don't know when i'll see Him again, He needs to get His new job going before We can make plans.
We have always head a journal that i write in and take to His house for Him to read if He chooses too. Now that journal is online and i like being able to write anytime i need to without people really knowing what i'm doing but now i don't know if He's reading it.... i like to know He's reading it. i guess it's a way i can see that He's interested in me and my thoughts and feelings. We don't generally discuss what i journal but it's a way for me to communicate even when i don't necessarily intend to.
So, that's Our new phase, me learning not to freak out and Master living in a new state, starting a new job.
Hope things are good with all of you!!
~His kitten
Now, He is a 15 hour drive away from me. We are truly long distance now.
Last weekend was the first apart and it wasn't easy. i didn't hear from Him at all for a few days because of Him needing to get everything set up in His new place. i was worried He decided to just drop me and be done, that He moved and didn't want me anymore... i tend to do this "catastrophic thinking" and it frustrates me and Master. i try to avoid it and fight it off but so it wins sometimes. i can't do this every weekend!! i need to focus on serving Him to the best of my ability from afar until i can join Him in a few months.
my main ways to serve Him daily are to follow my eating plan (i just started a very strict one the week before He left) and to workout.i can't remember if i have out this on here but, i have lost almost 90 pounds in the Last 18 months, with almost 60 of that since i met Master. So, following my plan and working out is something i do to become my best for Him and it is a very tangible way for me to serve Him, which helps me a lot.
i also have my mantra to say daily and some daily reporting in to Him that i do regardless of whether i've heard from Him.
i have severe abandonment issues and so Master being so far away is triggering some of that and i'm going to have to learn to know that i am wanted by Him, special to Him, even when i'm not right there with Him.
This is only a phase in Our relationship and it'll be fine but it won't be fun or easy.
i don't know when i'll see Him again, He needs to get His new job going before We can make plans.
We have always head a journal that i write in and take to His house for Him to read if He chooses too. Now that journal is online and i like being able to write anytime i need to without people really knowing what i'm doing but now i don't know if He's reading it.... i like to know He's reading it. i guess it's a way i can see that He's interested in me and my thoughts and feelings. We don't generally discuss what i journal but it's a way for me to communicate even when i don't necessarily intend to.
So, that's Our new phase, me learning not to freak out and Master living in a new state, starting a new job.
Hope things are good with all of you!!
~His kitten
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Saturday play/training
We had the most amazing training/playtime yesterday! i am still new to slave life and to playtime so many times it doubles as training for me to work on something new with Master.
Last night Master put a box of toys together and called it a "care package". He had me add my training collar, the "red beacon" (that's what i call the butt plug) and my ball gag and told me to get completely undressed. Master put on my training collar and told me to get my care package and follow Him.
i was terrified! i thought We were going outside, into the world, with me completely naked and a box of toys that most people wouldn't understand.... not to mention that the butt plug can evoke quite an emotional response in me and this was only the 3rd time or so that We have used it and only the 2nd time that it would be in for any amount of time. i was very concerned but i know Master doesn't want to flaunt this lifestyle in His neighborhood, He works with lots of His neighbors and so the odds of Him taking me out where We could be seen were not super high. However, in July, for my first training weekend, He had me naked in His backyard for a while. At least now i am 40 pounds lighter than i was in July and so i would be a little more comfortable with my body.
So, Master opens the door into His garage and tells me to get the care package and follow Him. "Master, i don't think i can move yet." He laughed and replied "Obey me kitten." Which, i did.
We went into the garage and then Master opened the attic steps and, on hesitant but obedient feet, i followed Him up the steps.
Master showed me where i would be standing for Our time in the attic and then instructed me to put the butt plug in.
As i said, the butt plug evokes a very emotional response in me because of my past. Also, last weekend was the first weekend i put it in myself and it was a difficult process, inside the house, laying down, with a blanket and Master right beside me to help me not freak out. This time, i am naked, in a cold attic, no blankets, and having to squat to insert it. i knew this was coming, i knew that i would start to freak out in my head, and so i was ready. i kept mentally saying "i am a slave" in my head and working on thinking about using it to serve my Master. i desperately don't like to fail Him, i want to please Him SO BADLY that i was able to insert the plug and get into my spot to stand.
Master began tying me up, He starts with my hands that ended up tied together and then tied above my head to the rafter in the attic.
my ankles were tied with my legs spread and each tied to a different support beam in the attic.
While Master was tying me up i said "I'm losing it Master!" and He knew, without any further words, that i meant i was losing the plug and He reached up and stuck it back in before it came completely out. "I have something planned to fix that in a minute." And fix it He did! Master tied a rope around my waist and then He put it between my legs from front to back so it was touching my vagina and holding in the plug.
The entire time He was tying me up, He had this great grin on His face. He doesn't talk a lot when He is preparing me for a scene, but i can tell He had been thinking this through all week and had a plan and was VERY excited to finally be fulfilling His thought process.
i was already in a nice sub headspace when Master began. He talked to me through a lot of the scene, talking about being a slave and what it truly means. He talked about being proud of my service and of being a slave. He talked about proper pride and not false pride.
The entire time He was talking to me, Master had the crop and was hitting my butt, my back, my sides and my breasts. i was having to watch how loud i was because there are open vents in the attic and so i was really enjoying the challenge of not screaming loudly but channeling my pain into my breathing and some nice, sexy noises. i have been feeling the pain more since losing 40 more pounds ( a total of 80 lost so far) and i tend to just make noise to deal with some of the pain and those noises aren't generally sexy, so i was working on making the noises not too loud and sexy. Master said that i did well with that afterward.
Once Master was finished with talking to me, then He got out the nipple clamps. i began crying immediately. This is one pain that i really struggle to turn into a pleasure. i was crying and thinking i can't do this, i can't handle being tied up (which i love by the way!), the butt plug, being hit with the crop (or something else that Master brought up that i hadn't seen yet) and the nipple clamps. i was crying and saying "No, please Master, no thank You, please don't". Master is very patient and He talked me through it. He explained that He knows they aren't fun but that they are something He enjoys using on me.
"kitten, they can come off if it is too much, and they will come off when We are done. " "i know Master! That is what i am scared of! The taking off, they hurt more coming off than when they are on!"
"I know kitten but I want to use them on You."
i want to please Him and i wanted to try for sure but i was so scared of failing, of not being able to handle it, but Master told me to take a deep breath in and then He put the clamps on.
" i am a slave, i am a slave, i am a slave." i repeated this over and over, out loud and in my head, to help me keep my focus on serving Master through this pain. i focused on breathing and focused on Him and was making it through okay, not doing great but doing okay.
Then, Master got out the Magic Wand. He used it on me while He also used the crop. SO MUCH GOING ON!!
This was the most intense and longest scene We have done so far. The magic wand was amazing! It took my nipple pain to pleasure almost immediately.
"I want orgasms so bring them on." His voice is so deep and so sexy, especially when He's telling me what to do in scene.
"Yes, Master," and then i came so hard for so long, it was amazing!!
Master put away the magic wand and said " Give me a number between 1-15".
"Eight."
"Okay, do You want Your gag?"
"May i please try without it and use it if needed?"
"Yes, kitten that will work."
And then i saw that Master had the rubber hose in His hand.
He gave me 8 hits with it and as each hit, i was almost completely breathless but they feel so good. The thud, the sting, the breathlessness... ohhh it is probably my favorite toy He currently uses.
i made it though all eight, keeping count and not being too loud.
When Master was finished with that, He untied me and told me to get into "low position". i got into position, as low on the attic floor as i can get myself.
"Are you as low as you can get?"
"Yes, Master."
"I don't think so, you're still in the attic. Get down and get low."
So i got down, into the garage and got low.
Master did a recap of what He talked about and how some other things about not having false pride.
Then i was able to cuddle on His leg, after thanking Him and kissing His shoe.
After a few minutes, We went inside and Master wrapped me in a blanket and held me for a while, while i recovered.
Then, it was time for a quick shower and bed with more cuddling as We fell asleep.
What an amazing time. I'm still in such an amazing headspace today. Master was proud of me for making it through, even when i thought i couldn't.
i really liked what He talked about and how i can see my place as a slave as something to be proud of.
i hope ya'll have had fun this weekend!
~His kitten
Last night Master put a box of toys together and called it a "care package". He had me add my training collar, the "red beacon" (that's what i call the butt plug) and my ball gag and told me to get completely undressed. Master put on my training collar and told me to get my care package and follow Him.
i was terrified! i thought We were going outside, into the world, with me completely naked and a box of toys that most people wouldn't understand.... not to mention that the butt plug can evoke quite an emotional response in me and this was only the 3rd time or so that We have used it and only the 2nd time that it would be in for any amount of time. i was very concerned but i know Master doesn't want to flaunt this lifestyle in His neighborhood, He works with lots of His neighbors and so the odds of Him taking me out where We could be seen were not super high. However, in July, for my first training weekend, He had me naked in His backyard for a while. At least now i am 40 pounds lighter than i was in July and so i would be a little more comfortable with my body.
So, Master opens the door into His garage and tells me to get the care package and follow Him. "Master, i don't think i can move yet." He laughed and replied "Obey me kitten." Which, i did.
We went into the garage and then Master opened the attic steps and, on hesitant but obedient feet, i followed Him up the steps.
Master showed me where i would be standing for Our time in the attic and then instructed me to put the butt plug in.
As i said, the butt plug evokes a very emotional response in me because of my past. Also, last weekend was the first weekend i put it in myself and it was a difficult process, inside the house, laying down, with a blanket and Master right beside me to help me not freak out. This time, i am naked, in a cold attic, no blankets, and having to squat to insert it. i knew this was coming, i knew that i would start to freak out in my head, and so i was ready. i kept mentally saying "i am a slave" in my head and working on thinking about using it to serve my Master. i desperately don't like to fail Him, i want to please Him SO BADLY that i was able to insert the plug and get into my spot to stand.
Master began tying me up, He starts with my hands that ended up tied together and then tied above my head to the rafter in the attic.
my ankles were tied with my legs spread and each tied to a different support beam in the attic.
While Master was tying me up i said "I'm losing it Master!" and He knew, without any further words, that i meant i was losing the plug and He reached up and stuck it back in before it came completely out. "I have something planned to fix that in a minute." And fix it He did! Master tied a rope around my waist and then He put it between my legs from front to back so it was touching my vagina and holding in the plug.
The entire time He was tying me up, He had this great grin on His face. He doesn't talk a lot when He is preparing me for a scene, but i can tell He had been thinking this through all week and had a plan and was VERY excited to finally be fulfilling His thought process.
i was already in a nice sub headspace when Master began. He talked to me through a lot of the scene, talking about being a slave and what it truly means. He talked about being proud of my service and of being a slave. He talked about proper pride and not false pride.
The entire time He was talking to me, Master had the crop and was hitting my butt, my back, my sides and my breasts. i was having to watch how loud i was because there are open vents in the attic and so i was really enjoying the challenge of not screaming loudly but channeling my pain into my breathing and some nice, sexy noises. i have been feeling the pain more since losing 40 more pounds ( a total of 80 lost so far) and i tend to just make noise to deal with some of the pain and those noises aren't generally sexy, so i was working on making the noises not too loud and sexy. Master said that i did well with that afterward.
Once Master was finished with talking to me, then He got out the nipple clamps. i began crying immediately. This is one pain that i really struggle to turn into a pleasure. i was crying and thinking i can't do this, i can't handle being tied up (which i love by the way!), the butt plug, being hit with the crop (or something else that Master brought up that i hadn't seen yet) and the nipple clamps. i was crying and saying "No, please Master, no thank You, please don't". Master is very patient and He talked me through it. He explained that He knows they aren't fun but that they are something He enjoys using on me.
"kitten, they can come off if it is too much, and they will come off when We are done. " "i know Master! That is what i am scared of! The taking off, they hurt more coming off than when they are on!"
"I know kitten but I want to use them on You."
i want to please Him and i wanted to try for sure but i was so scared of failing, of not being able to handle it, but Master told me to take a deep breath in and then He put the clamps on.
" i am a slave, i am a slave, i am a slave." i repeated this over and over, out loud and in my head, to help me keep my focus on serving Master through this pain. i focused on breathing and focused on Him and was making it through okay, not doing great but doing okay.
Then, Master got out the Magic Wand. He used it on me while He also used the crop. SO MUCH GOING ON!!
This was the most intense and longest scene We have done so far. The magic wand was amazing! It took my nipple pain to pleasure almost immediately.
"I want orgasms so bring them on." His voice is so deep and so sexy, especially when He's telling me what to do in scene.
"Yes, Master," and then i came so hard for so long, it was amazing!!
Master put away the magic wand and said " Give me a number between 1-15".
"Eight."
"Okay, do You want Your gag?"
"May i please try without it and use it if needed?"
"Yes, kitten that will work."
And then i saw that Master had the rubber hose in His hand.
He gave me 8 hits with it and as each hit, i was almost completely breathless but they feel so good. The thud, the sting, the breathlessness... ohhh it is probably my favorite toy He currently uses.
i made it though all eight, keeping count and not being too loud.
When Master was finished with that, He untied me and told me to get into "low position". i got into position, as low on the attic floor as i can get myself.
"Are you as low as you can get?"
"Yes, Master."
"I don't think so, you're still in the attic. Get down and get low."
So i got down, into the garage and got low.
Master did a recap of what He talked about and how some other things about not having false pride.
Then i was able to cuddle on His leg, after thanking Him and kissing His shoe.
After a few minutes, We went inside and Master wrapped me in a blanket and held me for a while, while i recovered.
Then, it was time for a quick shower and bed with more cuddling as We fell asleep.
What an amazing time. I'm still in such an amazing headspace today. Master was proud of me for making it through, even when i thought i couldn't.
i really liked what He talked about and how i can see my place as a slave as something to be proud of.
i hope ya'll have had fun this weekend!
~His kitten
Friday, March 4, 2016
Q&A - give me your best!!
Apparently this month is Q & A month in blog land.
I would love for y'all to leave your questions for me in the comments and I'll answer those that Master approves. Let me know if you want to be identified when I answer your question or if you want to be anonymous.
Thanks!!
~His kitten
I would love for y'all to leave your questions for me in the comments and I'll answer those that Master approves. Let me know if you want to be identified when I answer your question or if you want to be anonymous.
Thanks!!
~His kitten
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Full service
We had a wonderful weekend!! Master loves blow jobs and i love giving them... or trying to...i'm good at the teasing/build up but actually getting Him to completion... not great, We usually end up having sex because i can't get Him over the edge.
There were 4 times i fully succeeded since last June.. only 4... and they were in the first 3months of dating. This past weekend, i made it to 5!!! It was amazing:). Lol... i hope for Master too ;). He said i did a good job. i'm just so happy i pleased Him!!!
Also this weekend, i was able to drink from Master again, for the first time since December. i have been on a VERY strict diet and We didn't want to put my health at risk.
i was such a happy little slave, having fully serviced Master's cock this weekend. It still puts a goofy grin on my face as i type this.
i hope You all are doing well:).
Happy Wednesday!!
~His kitten
There were 4 times i fully succeeded since last June.. only 4... and they were in the first 3months of dating. This past weekend, i made it to 5!!! It was amazing:). Lol... i hope for Master too ;). He said i did a good job. i'm just so happy i pleased Him!!!
Also this weekend, i was able to drink from Master again, for the first time since December. i have been on a VERY strict diet and We didn't want to put my health at risk.
i was such a happy little slave, having fully serviced Master's cock this weekend. It still puts a goofy grin on my face as i type this.
i hope You all are doing well:).
Happy Wednesday!!
~His kitten
Thursday, February 11, 2016
missing it...
Master and i had a very productive weekend last weekend but it was very not bruise inducing.... this week had been hard emotionally with certain circumstances in my life and i'm really missing the reminder of my bruises. They help me remember my place, where i feel the most alive, the most "me". i was able to call Master last night and immediately i'm in a different headspace. He just puts me there by saying "Hello", it seems kind of crazy to me sometimes but that's how i work.
i am still mentally working on admitting that i am an anal slut... that i enjoy anal... but i can tell you all that i realized on my way home last weekend, i had been hoping Master would want to work on it again and He didn't because We were so busy i think. Finding myself disappointed by that was surprising to say the least.
So much about myself that i'm learning every day with Master.
i hope everyone is having a good week!
Happy Valentine's weekend :).
~His kitten
i am still mentally working on admitting that i am an anal slut... that i enjoy anal... but i can tell you all that i realized on my way home last weekend, i had been hoping Master would want to work on it again and He didn't because We were so busy i think. Finding myself disappointed by that was surprising to say the least.
So much about myself that i'm learning every day with Master.
i hope everyone is having a good week!
Happy Valentine's weekend :).
~His kitten
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
This is hard to admit...
i'm just going to put it out there to start with, then i'll explain.
This past weekend, i experienced 6 anal orgasms. 3 with Master's fingers and 3 with Master's cock.
So... i'm writing about this because Master thinks it would be a good outlet for me to think it through.
This is very hard for me to write about, think about, admit to you all or even to Master. Just saying i had 6 anal orgasms was very difficult to type.
There are many reasons this is difficult. The least is that society doesn't generally think anal play is acceptable. That really doesn't factor in the difficulty too much for me.
This is difficult because if my previous marriage. my ex husband anally raped me repeatedly over many years of our marriage. i was forced down on my bed or a chair in the living room and then, sometimes with actual lube ( but not anal lube) and sometimes just with a touch of spit, he would have his pleasure. He would tell me not to make noise or he'd go longer so i kept my screams inside, he would leave me crying and bleeding considerably to go play on his computer. This happened more times than i can count.
So, anal is a VERY touchy subject for me. i understand why Master wants it, and this weekend, i learned it can feel pretty good, but i have very high walls built around that subject in my mind.
i need to admit that the anal orgasms this weekend were full body, leg shaking, better than vaginal, orgasms. But, for some reason, that isn't enough for me to about i enjoyed it. i still can't say i did... it just stops in my head. i can't admit that.
i'm afraid that Master won't be as gentle, as in tune to me during anal anymore if i admit it. i'm afraid anal is all He'll ever want if i admit it...i'm afraid of what admitting it means for Our future exploration...
Does anymore else struggle so much with anal?
~His kitten
This past weekend, i experienced 6 anal orgasms. 3 with Master's fingers and 3 with Master's cock.
So... i'm writing about this because Master thinks it would be a good outlet for me to think it through.
This is very hard for me to write about, think about, admit to you all or even to Master. Just saying i had 6 anal orgasms was very difficult to type.
There are many reasons this is difficult. The least is that society doesn't generally think anal play is acceptable. That really doesn't factor in the difficulty too much for me.
This is difficult because if my previous marriage. my ex husband anally raped me repeatedly over many years of our marriage. i was forced down on my bed or a chair in the living room and then, sometimes with actual lube ( but not anal lube) and sometimes just with a touch of spit, he would have his pleasure. He would tell me not to make noise or he'd go longer so i kept my screams inside, he would leave me crying and bleeding considerably to go play on his computer. This happened more times than i can count.
So, anal is a VERY touchy subject for me. i understand why Master wants it, and this weekend, i learned it can feel pretty good, but i have very high walls built around that subject in my mind.
i need to admit that the anal orgasms this weekend were full body, leg shaking, better than vaginal, orgasms. But, for some reason, that isn't enough for me to about i enjoyed it. i still can't say i did... it just stops in my head. i can't admit that.
i'm afraid that Master won't be as gentle, as in tune to me during anal anymore if i admit it. i'm afraid anal is all He'll ever want if i admit it...i'm afraid of what admitting it means for Our future exploration...
Does anymore else struggle so much with anal?
~His kitten
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